Note: The following blog has some content of a strong sexual nature not intended for children or anyone who may find the contents offensive. Please read at your own risk. It is not meant to offend but to inform and also encourage those that know someone or themselves have had similar experiences. Yeshua’s redemption is real and powerful. Without Him, there’s no hope for any of us.
For me, the introduction to sexual immorality began at a very young age. My earliest memory is at the age of 4 or 5, I remember being coaxed, by the older neighborhood kids, into a sexual encounter with another girl about the same age. I assume the neighborhood kids were most likely influenced by what they had seen or experienced. I’m sure I and this young girl had no any idea what we were doing. Nonetheless, it was a very powerful moment; an event that had a rippling effect throughout the entirety of my life. Being just a child, I had no idea how to handle the emotions and sensations that had been awaken within me. For me the whole world began to be viewed through this experience.
Consequently, my grandmother (a very beautiful woman) became a source of attraction for me. When I would sometimes sleep between my PawPaw and Grandma, my body would respond in a manner toward my Grandma that I was incapable of controlling. I just wanted to get physically closer to her, as she slept, in an attempt feed this physical reaction. Being such a pleasurable moment, I wanted to fulfill it over and over again, so I always took advantage of every opportunity to sleep with my grandparents, of course, positioned in the middle. However, even as I fulfilled this desire, there were other emotions that occurred following these encounters…guilt and shame. Somehow, even at this tender age, I understood it was wrong; yet I had no mental or emotional capacity to subdue this urge. At some point, I’m not sure when, I began to avoid sleeping with my grandparents. I loved the physical sensation that occurred, but began to strongly abhor the thought of desiring my grandmother. Interestingly, I never developed stronger sexual urges for my grandmother. However, the thought of a kiss or even a hug from my grandmother brought a fear of awakening this reaction. This matter with my grandmother I told no one. The shame and guilt was overwhelming and condemning. How could I tell anyone without them thinking I was a sick demented pervert. Even as I’ve, through years, shared testimony of my struggles with sexual sins, I’ve always kept this one secret until I told my wife a few years ago. And now, I’m revealing it publicly.
Subsequently, there were many more encounters with this 4-5 year old girl, as well as sexual contacts with her older (approx 9-11 year old) sister. The older sister would referee competitions between the younger sister and I. Of course, I won the majority them. My prize was always some type of unclothed physical contact with the older sister, whether it be genital to genital or any type of physical intimacy that caused sexual arousal. Being slightly more anatomically developed, she became much more desirable; thus creating in me a great eagerness to play games in order to receive that gratification. I believe this is the root cause of similar expectations in relationships of my later adult life. I was always attracted to the girls who played games of hard-to-get. In the end, I always expected to win and get my prize, which was usually a sexual favor.
With such early childhood ecstatic experiences , normal childhood activities paled in comparison. So for me the ultimate fulfillment in life became the sexual encounter. Throughout my early years I had similar occurrences with several young girls involving heavy petting and kissing.
Also, during this period, I had my introduction to pornography in the form of magazines. Remembering my first experience of seeing the image of a fully mature woman, I’ll never forget. I found one of my Dad’s secret stash of hardcore magazines, I peeked at one and that began the insatiable desire for more. Until now, my experiences had been with young girls. However, now at 8 years of age, seeing a nude adult woman copulating with a nude adult man. Wow! What a rush! I so vividly remember the physical and spiritual sensation. I couldn’t get enough. Later, I stumbled upon my Grandpa’s hardcore collection (he had stacks of them in his basement). I created every opportunity to take a trip to the Grandpa’s basement. Also, my friend’s older brother had a huge collection of girly magazines that we would look at in awe. It’s my belief, these images established a stronghold in my mind. Through this stronghold my sexual immoral nature was strengthened. In later life, this avenue was always and is still readily available through all sorts of mediums.
Later, at about the age of 9, I began to purposely seek sexual intercourse. At that time, I was having a continual sexual relationship with young girl nearly the same age. These encounters many times involved me and several other boys taking turns with this one girl. This girls mother also liked to prance around the house and answer the door barely clothed; there was not much left to the imagination of a growing boy. So, it’s no surprise that I would be at that door trying to get into that house. Not just to see her mom exposing herself but for greater chance to have a secret encounter with the daughter if the mom was away. This continued until age 11 or 12.
Surprisingly, in my later high school years, I did not engage in sexual intercourse; however, excessive masturbation became the obsession. My fear of impregnating a young girl curtailed my sexual activities. Although, once I left home, entered the military and begin to heavily drink alcohol, my sexual appetite mushroomed into a ferocious lust for sexual intercourse at no fear of the cost. As for that particular segment of my life, I will expound in my next blog.
I tell my story for those with similar experiences or secrets. You are not alone.
Thanks for reading, I pray it was a blessing.