While in the military, a relationship with a woman wasn’t something I sought after.  It felt too emotionally annoying.  At the time, I had no awareness of how my own emotional issues of the past caused me to avoid dealing with the emotional matters of others.  Fear of intimacy negatively influenced my attitude towards relationships with women.  In these four years of my life, I developed and strengthened a destructive pattern of behavior that ruined my ability to have healthy ties with the opposite sex or with anyone.

During this time, abuse of alcohol became my self-prescribed medication of choice.  Alcohol gave me a sense of invulnerability and exaggerated boldness.  Inhibitions were loosed and I felt free.  I believed I could do or say anything I desired.  Alcohol also implanted this notion within me that I could have any woman I desired.  Each holiday party, night at the club or any event, I viewed as a chance for me to scout the territory looking for vulnerable prey.  I had an uncanny ability to target the vulnerable woman. However, I didn’t always have to hunt.  Many times it was offered to me like candy; and this candy, I rarely rejected.   My spiritual gifts given to me by the Father were all perverted.  I deceived many women by making them feel validated and loved; but secretly knowing my main goal was to get into their pants.  The sexual encounter was the ultimate prize.   Many times after getting the “prize”, my interest would decline thus ending the affair.  Surprisingly, some women would agree to the “sex only relationship”, even allowing me to be with other women.  Needless to say, these relationships didn’t last long.

Since most of the time, I didn’t practice “safe sex”, my encounters weren’t without there risks.  A visit to the clinic and a antibiotic prescription was common.   My friends and I sometimes shared our leftover antibiotics with each other.  Although not recommended , we would sometimes take a dose of an antibiotic before a night out, just in case we got “lucky”.  Idiots!  It’s a miracle I’m here today.

Even with the perils of living this type of life, I was unwilling to change.  I believed I was free to choose for myself.  No one could tell me otherwise.  Yet, deep inside, a small quiet voice always talked to me.  The voice always asked “What are you doing and why are you doing it?”  I never wanted to honestly answer that voice.  The heavy drinking, partying and sex helped to smother that voice but never extinguish it.

Also during this period, I met my first wife, the mother of my three children.  I will continue that story in my next post.

Just a reminder:  I’m posting my story so others who have had similar experiences may know that the blood of the Savior redeems completely.

Thank you for reading and I pray you are blessed in ways I never imagined.

In Yeshua HaMashiach/Jesus the Christ

For me, the introduction to sexual immorality began at a very young age.    My earliest memory is at  the age of 4 or 5, I remember being coaxed, by the older neighborhood kids, into a sexual encounter with another girl about the same age.  I assume the neighborhood kids were most likely influenced by what they had seen or experienced.  I’m sure I and this young girl had no any idea what we were doing.  Nonetheless, it was a very powerful moment; an event that had a rippling effect throughout the entirety of my life.  Being just a child, I had no idea how to handle the emotions and sensations that had been awaken within me.  For me the whole world began to be viewed through this experience.

Consequently, my grandmother (a very beautiful woman) became a source of attraction for me.  When I would sometimes sleep between my PawPaw and Grandma, my body would respond in a manner toward my Grandma that I was incapable of controlling.  I just wanted to get physically closer to her, as she slept, in an attempt feed this physical reaction.  Being such a pleasurable moment,  I wanted to fulfill it over and over again, so I always took advantage of every opportunity to sleep with my grandparents, of course, positioned in the middle.  However, even as I fulfilled this desire, there were other emotions that occurred following these encounters…guilt and shame.  Somehow, even at this tender age, I understood it was wrong;  yet I had no mental or emotional capacity to subdue this urge.  At some point, I’m not sure when, I began to avoid sleeping with my grandparents.  I loved the physical sensation that occurred, but began to strongly abhor the thought of desiring my grandmother.   Interestingly, I never developed stronger sexual urges for my grandmother.  However, the thought of a kiss or even a hug from my grandmother brought a fear of awakening this reaction.  This matter with my grandmother I told no one.  The shame and guilt was overwhelming and condemning.  How could I tell anyone without them thinking I was a sick demented pervert.  Even as I’ve, through years, shared testimony of my struggles with sexual sins, I’ve always kept this one secret until I told my wife a few years ago. And now, I’m revealing it publicly.

Subsequently, there were many more encounters with this 4-5 year old girl, as well as sexual contacts with her older (approx 9-11 year old) sister.   The older sister would referee competitions between the younger sister and I.   Of course, I won the majority them.  My prize was always some type of unclothed physical contact with the older sister, whether it be genital to genital or any type of physical intimacy that caused sexual arousal.  Being slightly more anatomically developed, she became much more desirable; thus creating in me a great eagerness to play games in order to receive that gratification.  I believe this is the root cause of similar expectations in relationships of my later adult life.  I was always attracted to the girls who played games of hard-to-get.  In the end, I always expected to win and get my prize, which was usually a sexual favor.

With such early childhood ecstatic experiences , normal childhood activities paled in comparison.  So for me the ultimate fulfillment in life became the sexual encounter.  Throughout my early years I had similar occurrences with several young girls involving heavy petting and kissing.

Also, during this period, I had my introduction to pornography in the form of magazines.  Remembering my first experience of seeing the image of a fully mature woman, I’ll never forget.   I found one of my Dad’s secret stash of hardcore magazines, I peeked at one and that began the insatiable desire for more.  Until now, my experiences had been with young girls. However, now at 8 years of age, seeing a nude adult woman copulating with a nude adult man.  Wow!  What a rush! I so vividly remember the physical and spiritual sensation.  I couldn’t get enough.  Later, I stumbled upon my Grandpa’s hardcore collection (he had stacks of them in his basement).  I created every opportunity to take a trip to the Grandpa’s basement.  Also, my friend’s older brother had a huge collection of girly magazines that we would look at in awe. It’s my belief, these images established a stronghold in my mind.  Through this stronghold my sexual immoral nature was strengthened.  In later life, this avenue was always and is still readily available through all sorts of mediums.

Later, at about the age of 9, I began to purposely seek sexual intercourse.  At that time, I was having a continual sexual relationship with young girl nearly the same age.  These encounters many times involved me and several other boys taking turns with this one girl.  This girls mother also liked to prance around the house and answer the door barely clothed; there was not much left to the imagination of a growing boy.  So, it’s no surprise that I would be at that door trying to get into that house.  Not just to see her mom exposing herself but for greater chance to have a secret encounter with the daughter if the mom was away.  This continued until age 11 or 12.

Surprisingly, in my later high school years, I did not engage in sexual intercourse; however, excessive masturbation became the obsession.  My fear of impregnating a young girl curtailed my sexual activities.  Although, once I left home, entered the military and begin to heavily drink alcohol, my sexual appetite mushroomed into a ferocious lust for sexual intercourse at no fear of the cost.  As for that particular segment of my life, I will expound  in my next blog.

I tell my story for those with similar experiences or secrets. You are not alone.

Thanks for reading, I pray it was a blessing.

Shalom!

(For more testimony details)

I came from a broken home where I had a fractured relationship with my father.   As I got older, I struggled with alcohol and sexual immorality (promiscuity, pornography, adultery).  And although I had made a commitment to the Father through Yeshua (Jesus) when I was in my 20s, I’d slipped away again over time as trials arose.  Later as my down slide progressed, a divorce and a broken relationship with my children sent me into a downward spiral that I could not stop.

My condition was so bad that one night while drunk in a bar, I pointed my finger to the heavens and told Yah (God), ” I don’t care what you think.  I’m going to do what I want.  So if that means you will destroy me then so be it.”

Even as I rebelled against Yah (God) and His plan for me, Yahweh in His love, mercy and faithfulness, was unwilling to let me go so easily.  Because of the many prayers of those who loved me, He went to great lengths to get my attention.

One night again I was in a bar, the Lord sent a total stranger into the bar to give me a message from Him. It shook me to the core. There were so many instances of Yah (God) relentlessly pursuing me and mercifully protecting me.  Yet,  even after all of this, it took me almost another two years before I repented.  On that spring evening, I hit rock bottom.  The next morning, I knew it was time for a change and I rededicated my life to the Father through Messiah Yeshua (Jesus).

A few days later, I was baptized in the Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in tongues (an experience I had previously denied as being possible according to my understanding of scripture).  Since then, I’ve walked in freedom from addiction to alcohol, restored my relationship with my earthly father,and have overcome sexual immorality.  Yah has also mended my second marriage, which was headed in the same direction as my first,  and has been bringing me into the fullness of all that He has called me to.

In recent years, I have dug deep into the origins of the faith.  This has brought me to a greater appreciation of the Hebraic roots of my faith.  Through going back to the beginning, I’ve changed my view on many mainstream christian doctrines.  The study of Torah and the grace that Yeshua has provided has profoundly impacted me.   No, I’m not under the Law!  I just now see things from a Hebraic perspective.  Since most of the Scriptures are penned by Hebrews under the inspiration of the Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit), I believe it’s important.  Please see “What I Believe.”

Know that He is truly faithful.  If you don’t have a relationship with Him, you should consider finding out more.