For me, the introduction to sexual immorality began at a very young age.    My earliest memory is at  the age of 4 or 5, I remember being coaxed, by the older neighborhood kids, into a sexual encounter with another girl about the same age.  I assume the neighborhood kids were most likely influenced by what they had seen or experienced.  I’m sure I and this young girl had no any idea what we were doing.  Nonetheless, it was a very powerful moment; an event that had a rippling effect throughout the entirety of my life.  Being just a child, I had no idea how to handle the emotions and sensations that had been awaken within me.  For me the whole world began to be viewed through this experience.

Consequently, my grandmother (a very beautiful woman) became a source of attraction for me.  When I would sometimes sleep between my PawPaw and Grandma, my body would respond in a manner toward my Grandma that I was incapable of controlling.  I just wanted to get physically closer to her, as she slept, in an attempt feed this physical reaction.  Being such a pleasurable moment,  I wanted to fulfill it over and over again, so I always took advantage of every opportunity to sleep with my grandparents, of course, positioned in the middle.  However, even as I fulfilled this desire, there were other emotions that occurred following these encounters…guilt and shame.  Somehow, even at this tender age, I understood it was wrong;  yet I had no mental or emotional capacity to subdue this urge.  At some point, I’m not sure when, I began to avoid sleeping with my grandparents.  I loved the physical sensation that occurred, but began to strongly abhor the thought of desiring my grandmother.   Interestingly, I never developed stronger sexual urges for my grandmother.  However, the thought of a kiss or even a hug from my grandmother brought a fear of awakening this reaction.  This matter with my grandmother I told no one.  The shame and guilt was overwhelming and condemning.  How could I tell anyone without them thinking I was a sick demented pervert.  Even as I’ve, through years, shared testimony of my struggles with sexual sins, I’ve always kept this one secret until I told my wife a few years ago. And now, I’m revealing it publicly.

Subsequently, there were many more encounters with this 4-5 year old girl, as well as sexual contacts with her older (approx 9-11 year old) sister.   The older sister would referee competitions between the younger sister and I.   Of course, I won the majority them.  My prize was always some type of unclothed physical contact with the older sister, whether it be genital to genital or any type of physical intimacy that caused sexual arousal.  Being slightly more anatomically developed, she became much more desirable; thus creating in me a great eagerness to play games in order to receive that gratification.  I believe this is the root cause of similar expectations in relationships of my later adult life.  I was always attracted to the girls who played games of hard-to-get.  In the end, I always expected to win and get my prize, which was usually a sexual favor.

With such early childhood ecstatic experiences , normal childhood activities paled in comparison.  So for me the ultimate fulfillment in life became the sexual encounter.  Throughout my early years I had similar occurrences with several young girls involving heavy petting and kissing.

Also, during this period, I had my introduction to pornography in the form of magazines.  Remembering my first experience of seeing the image of a fully mature woman, I’ll never forget.   I found one of my Dad’s secret stash of hardcore magazines, I peeked at one and that began the insatiable desire for more.  Until now, my experiences had been with young girls. However, now at 8 years of age, seeing a nude adult woman copulating with a nude adult man.  Wow!  What a rush! I so vividly remember the physical and spiritual sensation.  I couldn’t get enough.  Later, I stumbled upon my Grandpa’s hardcore collection (he had stacks of them in his basement).  I created every opportunity to take a trip to the Grandpa’s basement.  Also, my friend’s older brother had a huge collection of girly magazines that we would look at in awe. It’s my belief, these images established a stronghold in my mind.  Through this stronghold my sexual immoral nature was strengthened.  In later life, this avenue was always and is still readily available through all sorts of mediums.

Later, at about the age of 9, I began to purposely seek sexual intercourse.  At that time, I was having a continual sexual relationship with young girl nearly the same age.  These encounters many times involved me and several other boys taking turns with this one girl.  This girls mother also liked to prance around the house and answer the door barely clothed; there was not much left to the imagination of a growing boy.  So, it’s no surprise that I would be at that door trying to get into that house.  Not just to see her mom exposing herself but for greater chance to have a secret encounter with the daughter if the mom was away.  This continued until age 11 or 12.

Surprisingly, in my later high school years, I did not engage in sexual intercourse; however, excessive masturbation became the obsession.  My fear of impregnating a young girl curtailed my sexual activities.  Although, once I left home, entered the military and begin to heavily drink alcohol, my sexual appetite mushroomed into a ferocious lust for sexual intercourse at no fear of the cost.  As for that particular segment of my life, I will expound  in my next blog.

I tell my story for those with similar experiences or secrets. You are not alone.

Thanks for reading, I pray it was a blessing.

Shalom!

Here are some resources that may be helpful:

Every Man’s Battle

My Struggle, Your Struggle

What I heard in my spirit was….when I or anyone chooses to masturbate they are engaging in an active worship of the person or image or lust in their heart (covetousness).  Colossian 3:5 “Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry.”

Also the penis becomes the tool of worship.  So then I asked, “So Lord, if there is worship and the penis is the object by which that worship is accomplished.  What is the sacrifice?”  Immediately I heard, “Your seed.”  The seed of my ejaculated semen is the sacrifice.   Gulp!….that made me pause for reflection.

So the next time the thought comes to mind…..think about it.    Is it idol worship?  Are you doing something that honors Him or displeases Him?

Also I’ve begun a discussion group just for men.  We will talk about the things men don’t want to talk about…..You know what I mean?  Frank discussions about lust, pornography, sexual addiction and related issues.   Here’ s the link if you’re interested www.allenwilliamsjr.com/men.    You may login anonymously.

By the blood of Jesus!!!  Let’s come together and bring down this stronghold and secret lie that is hiding in the Church.

Well, the Lord straightened me out on this one. He got my attention about 3 weeks ago. Before I start, let me give a brief history of my testimony -just a snippet of what God is focusing on at this moment.

Many years before and after Christ, I struggled with many sexual sins (pornography, adultery, strip clubs and more). About 4 years ago, after many years of struggling as a Christian, I hit rock bottom as far as my relationship with my current wife (my second marriage) and the Lord. My struggle with alcohol and the many sexual sins had taken their toll on me and I finally surrendered 100% to the Lord. Five days later I experience Holy Spirit bapitism and things haven’t been the same since.

At that time, the Lord also gave me many visions and dreams of things to come. I often had visions of being with an army slaying a giant serpent or dragon. During this time, the struggle to keep away from the sexual sins continued. This was a spiritual stronghold in my life. The process of renewing my mind wasn’t easy, especially when we have a society that is constantly pumping images and material of a sexual nature at us. Sometimes our mind goes places it shouldn’t and we find ourselves looking at things we shouldn’t. I experienced victories and set-backs but always pushed forward. I got accountability partners and joined men’s groups within the church. The last few years went by and I had victory….I was cruising along no problems. Feeling strong in the Lord.

Recently, I was having a particularly strong battle against this spirit. It seemed to manifest from nowhere. Soon, I found myself looking at material on the internet I shouldn’t had my eyes on. I couldn’t believe it, how did it happen. I was ashamed, discouraged and totally condemning myself when the Lord said to me “You’ve forgotten what you are supposed to be doing.” I thought to myself , “Huh?” He said, “You’ve put the monster(dragon) in the cage. You’ve been mocking it and treating it as a trophy of your triumph. Yet, it still remained nearby. You taunted it and underestimated it. You allowed yourself to battle alone and you’ve been scratched and bitten. I didn’t tell you to put the monster (dragon) in a cage as showcase like at the zoo. I told you to KILL IT!….SLAY THE DRAGON!!!….If you go into battle to slay the dragon, he will never bite you again.”

I asked, “How do I do that? What exactly is the battle plan for that?” Then Holy Spirit reminded me of the visions and dreams I had been given when I was first delivered. I remembered the time I saw myself lifting people from a pit and many came to help when I cried to the Lord because there were too many for me alone. I remembered also, the visions of being with an army of men running into battle and slaying demons and finally reaching the dragon putting my sword into him and watching it roar and die.

The Lord reminded me that I was to be transparent again….share my story with men. He told me there are many of his men in bondage, fear, shame, guilt and condemnation. They need to tell someone!!!! They want to be free but don’t know how to be. Holy Spirit told me advance as He led…..one step….next step….then next step.

The Lord is wanting His men to be fully aligned with His purposes and holy unto Him. We have to press forward in holiness. Be freed from bondage. Although I was no longer in bondage, I allowed myself to be deceived, duped, and not fully armed. I didn’t consistently put on my full armor . I got comfortable and arrogant allowing the enemy find a chink and stick me hard. I dropped my guard and got sucker-punched. However, the Lord used it to put fire back into my heart. He also reminded me of His purposes for me.

In times past, I would have sunk into a self-pity party and deeper into depravity. But not this time. I felt a fire rise in me. A righteous anger if may say so. I just couldn’t believe I had fell for the lie.

I know the Lord has told me to tell my story to more men. Tell it always as He prompts. Through my lips He will pour His spirit upon these men and they will tell their story. We will then strengthen each other, lock arms, unite in Christ and together slay the dragon.

Spirits that operate through pornography and other sexual sins will come down off their evil thrones. The army I’ve seen will prevail by the power, Spirit and name of Jesus Christ.

If there are any men out there struggling with this dragon, please contact me. Let’s talk, strengthen each other, figure out a battle plan and unite to slay this dragon. Anything said to me, I will keep in strict confidence.

Listen to me carefully!!!……I really believe that if you don’t take it before the Lord now and let Him help you be free, you WILL be exposed. Please don’t let that happen. Deal with it now. That’s not an order but a plea, because I really don’t want to see anyone be exposed against their will….It’s an ugly thing.

I believe God is giving men the chance to come clean now before He begans to purge things Himself. So, those who need to purge in this area…..please do so now!!

Be Blessed, Be Strong, Be Confident in the Lord, not ourselves!!!