While in the military, a relationship with a woman wasn’t something I sought after.  It felt too emotionally annoying.  At the time, I had no awareness of how my own emotional issues of the past caused me to avoid dealing with the emotional matters of others.  Fear of intimacy negatively influenced my attitude towards relationships with women.  In these four years of my life, I developed and strengthened a destructive pattern of behavior that ruined my ability to have healthy ties with the opposite sex or with anyone.

During this time, abuse of alcohol became my self-prescribed medication of choice.  Alcohol gave me a sense of invulnerability and exaggerated boldness.  Inhibitions were loosed and I felt free.  I believed I could do or say anything I desired.  Alcohol also implanted this notion within me that I could have any woman I desired.  Each holiday party, night at the club or any event, I viewed as a chance for me to scout the territory looking for vulnerable prey.  I had an uncanny ability to target the vulnerable woman. However, I didn’t always have to hunt.  Many times it was offered to me like candy; and this candy, I rarely rejected.   My spiritual gifts given to me by the Father were all perverted.  I deceived many women by making them feel validated and loved; but secretly knowing my main goal was to get into their pants.  The sexual encounter was the ultimate prize.   Many times after getting the “prize”, my interest would decline thus ending the affair.  Surprisingly, some women would agree to the “sex only relationship”, even allowing me to be with other women.  Needless to say, these relationships didn’t last long.

Since most of the time, I didn’t practice “safe sex”, my encounters weren’t without there risks.  A visit to the clinic and a antibiotic prescription was common.   My friends and I sometimes shared our leftover antibiotics with each other.  Although not recommended , we would sometimes take a dose of an antibiotic before a night out, just in case we got “lucky”.  Idiots!  It’s a miracle I’m here today.

Even with the perils of living this type of life, I was unwilling to change.  I believed I was free to choose for myself.  No one could tell me otherwise.  Yet, deep inside, a small quiet voice always talked to me.  The voice always asked “What are you doing and why are you doing it?”  I never wanted to honestly answer that voice.  The heavy drinking, partying and sex helped to smother that voice but never extinguish it.

Also during this period, I met my first wife, the mother of my three children.  I will continue that story in my next post.

Just a reminder:  I’m posting my story so others who have had similar experiences may know that the blood of the Savior redeems completely.

Thank you for reading and I pray you are blessed in ways I never imagined.

In Yeshua HaMashiach/Jesus the Christ

For me, the introduction to sexual immorality began at a very young age.    My earliest memory is at  the age of 4 or 5, I remember being coaxed, by the older neighborhood kids, into a sexual encounter with another girl about the same age.  I assume the neighborhood kids were most likely influenced by what they had seen or experienced.  I’m sure I and this young girl had no any idea what we were doing.  Nonetheless, it was a very powerful moment; an event that had a rippling effect throughout the entirety of my life.  Being just a child, I had no idea how to handle the emotions and sensations that had been awaken within me.  For me the whole world began to be viewed through this experience.

Consequently, my grandmother (a very beautiful woman) became a source of attraction for me.  When I would sometimes sleep between my PawPaw and Grandma, my body would respond in a manner toward my Grandma that I was incapable of controlling.  I just wanted to get physically closer to her, as she slept, in an attempt feed this physical reaction.  Being such a pleasurable moment,  I wanted to fulfill it over and over again, so I always took advantage of every opportunity to sleep with my grandparents, of course, positioned in the middle.  However, even as I fulfilled this desire, there were other emotions that occurred following these encounters…guilt and shame.  Somehow, even at this tender age, I understood it was wrong;  yet I had no mental or emotional capacity to subdue this urge.  At some point, I’m not sure when, I began to avoid sleeping with my grandparents.  I loved the physical sensation that occurred, but began to strongly abhor the thought of desiring my grandmother.   Interestingly, I never developed stronger sexual urges for my grandmother.  However, the thought of a kiss or even a hug from my grandmother brought a fear of awakening this reaction.  This matter with my grandmother I told no one.  The shame and guilt was overwhelming and condemning.  How could I tell anyone without them thinking I was a sick demented pervert.  Even as I’ve, through years, shared testimony of my struggles with sexual sins, I’ve always kept this one secret until I told my wife a few years ago. And now, I’m revealing it publicly.

Subsequently, there were many more encounters with this 4-5 year old girl, as well as sexual contacts with her older (approx 9-11 year old) sister.   The older sister would referee competitions between the younger sister and I.   Of course, I won the majority them.  My prize was always some type of unclothed physical contact with the older sister, whether it be genital to genital or any type of physical intimacy that caused sexual arousal.  Being slightly more anatomically developed, she became much more desirable; thus creating in me a great eagerness to play games in order to receive that gratification.  I believe this is the root cause of similar expectations in relationships of my later adult life.  I was always attracted to the girls who played games of hard-to-get.  In the end, I always expected to win and get my prize, which was usually a sexual favor.

With such early childhood ecstatic experiences , normal childhood activities paled in comparison.  So for me the ultimate fulfillment in life became the sexual encounter.  Throughout my early years I had similar occurrences with several young girls involving heavy petting and kissing.

Also, during this period, I had my introduction to pornography in the form of magazines.  Remembering my first experience of seeing the image of a fully mature woman, I’ll never forget.   I found one of my Dad’s secret stash of hardcore magazines, I peeked at one and that began the insatiable desire for more.  Until now, my experiences had been with young girls. However, now at 8 years of age, seeing a nude adult woman copulating with a nude adult man.  Wow!  What a rush! I so vividly remember the physical and spiritual sensation.  I couldn’t get enough.  Later, I stumbled upon my Grandpa’s hardcore collection (he had stacks of them in his basement).  I created every opportunity to take a trip to the Grandpa’s basement.  Also, my friend’s older brother had a huge collection of girly magazines that we would look at in awe. It’s my belief, these images established a stronghold in my mind.  Through this stronghold my sexual immoral nature was strengthened.  In later life, this avenue was always and is still readily available through all sorts of mediums.

Later, at about the age of 9, I began to purposely seek sexual intercourse.  At that time, I was having a continual sexual relationship with young girl nearly the same age.  These encounters many times involved me and several other boys taking turns with this one girl.  This girls mother also liked to prance around the house and answer the door barely clothed; there was not much left to the imagination of a growing boy.  So, it’s no surprise that I would be at that door trying to get into that house.  Not just to see her mom exposing herself but for greater chance to have a secret encounter with the daughter if the mom was away.  This continued until age 11 or 12.

Surprisingly, in my later high school years, I did not engage in sexual intercourse; however, excessive masturbation became the obsession.  My fear of impregnating a young girl curtailed my sexual activities.  Although, once I left home, entered the military and begin to heavily drink alcohol, my sexual appetite mushroomed into a ferocious lust for sexual intercourse at no fear of the cost.  As for that particular segment of my life, I will expound  in my next blog.

I tell my story for those with similar experiences or secrets. You are not alone.

Thanks for reading, I pray it was a blessing.

Shalom!

The following are excerpts on faith as defined by the Hebrew word “emunah.”   Please read and consider.

====================================================

The Hebrew root aman means firm, something that is supported or secure. This word is used in Isaiah 22:23 for a nail that is fastened to a “secure” place. Derived from this root is the word emun meaning a craftsman. A craftsman is one who is firm and secure in his talent. Also derived from aman is the word emunah meaning firmness, something or someone that is firm in their actions. When the Hebrew word emunah is translated as faith misconceptions of its meaning occur. Faith is usually perceived as a knowing while the Hebrew emunah is a firm action. To have faith in God is not knowing that God exists or knowing that he will act, rather it is that the one with emunah will act with firmness toward God’s will. -Jeff Benner http://www.ancient-hebrew.org/27_faith.html -

Emunah conveys both affirmation and deep-seated conviction – “amen” – as well as unshakeable loyalty, trust and reliance – http://www.torahweb.org/torah/2008/parsha/rros_lechlecha.html-

...root meaning of emunah is trust and reliance, not intellectual acquiescence in the truth of certain propositions -http://www.myjewishlearning.com/beliefs/Theology/Thinkers_and_Thought/Doctrine_and_Dogma/Biblical_Faith.shtml

Emunah, however, is an innate conviction, a perception of truth that transcends, rather than evades, reason. -http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1398519/jewish/Emunah.htm

Emunah is more like faithfulness than a static state of mind (i.e., the Greek concept of ascertaining truth). It is more “belief in” than “belief that.”

The ideal Greek mind was caught up in the pursuit of a state of “epistemological bliss” or nirvana-like experience of the divine. Epistemological certainty was the goal (even those Greeks of the skeptical schools defined themselves in relation to this goal).  The contemplation of the eidos (Forms or Ideas), archetypal patterns of all reality, was the good life. Pistis (the Greek word for belief) was merely a means to episteme (knowledge) and represented a lower-level of consciousness.  “Faith” was the shadowy realm of the cave, the domain of opinion. Education and rationality were the way out the darkness and into the light…

The intellectuals of our day are inheritors (and epigones) of this earlier classical Greek mindset.  Read entire article here- http://www.hebrew4christians.com/Articles/Emunah/emunah.html

About three years ago or so, I asked the Father to show me the truth no matter what it would seemingly cost to me.  I just wanted to walk the straight and narrow as He has defined it in His word, not by any fruitless doctrines of Christianity, Judaism, any denomination, popular preacher, or most of all, my personal feelings and beliefs; yet, still willing to accept and promote any traditions, doctrines or teachings that adhere to His truth and are without defilement.  I knew this would challenge myself along with those who know and love me.

So I started at the beginning of the book.  I figured I cannot understand the present or future without understanding the beginning.  And since it’s written by Hebrews, I began to learn the Hebrew language, the Hebraic mindset, traditions and culture .  Understanding that even though the New Testament is translated to Greek, there is still a Hebraic mindset in the writings.  So understanding Hebrew culture and idioms would be helpful in understanding what is being said.  Also since, the promise was given to a Hebrew, Abram who became Abraham and his Seed, on to his son Isaac and his son Jacob who became Israel.  Out of Israel came the 12 tribes of his sons,  in which it was prophesied of Judah “his brothers shall praise him…bow down before him…the scepter shall not depart from Judah…” (Gen 49:8-10).  Therefore, all the line of Kings of Israel that came after David came through Judah, including the future King, the Messiah, Yeshua.

Later, after King Solomon died Israel became two kingdoms (1 Kings 12); The Northern Kingdom called the House of Israel (Kings), sometimes called Ephraim (Eze 37:16-28) and the Southern Kingdom called the House of Judah (Jews) comprised mainly of the tribes of Judah, some Levites and Benjamites.   Those who can be called Jews are either through direct descent from the tribe of Judah or of the House of Judah (Southern Kingdom) adhering to the principles of Judaism.  The Apostle Paul (Rav Shaul) was a Benjamite (Phil 3:5, Rom 11:1) of the House of Judah thus being able to call himself a Jew.  The House of Israel (Northern Kingdom, Ephraim) eventually went so deep into idol worship, Yah disowned them and dispersed them into the nations (Gentiles).  Someone can be a Jew and be an Israelite but an Israelite doesn’t have to be a Jew. I hope my explanation is clear.  If not, here’s a link to an outstanding teaching that gives full explanation: Identity Crisis.  I strongly recommend watching it.

The Messiah was birthed through the lineage of Judah and House of Judah (Matt 1, Luke 3:23:38).   Israel’s purpose has always and still is “to be a light to the nations” (Isa 42:6).  The Messiah is the unique expression and embodiment of that Light (Luke 2:28-32).  “Salvation is of the Jews”, Yeshua said (John 4:22) .  “I was sent only to the lost sheep of the house of Israel”(Matt 15:24)….”but go rather to the lost sheep of the house of Israel (Matt 10:6).  Being the light and unification for all men who are out of covenant, the lost sheep of Israel and Gentiles (the nations), the Messiah Yeshua makes this complete and possible.  All men are to see God in Israel, through Judah (Jews) in Yeshua (Rom 11).  After the Messiah had risen and just before He ascended, He sent out His disciples, who were Jews, into the world to proclaim this message.  That’s why so many came, because they were were Israelites out of covenant understanding there long awaited redemption had come in the Messiah and Gentiles were also allowed to accept this same promise.   His mission: To unite the two as one (Eph 2:13-22, Eze 37:16-28), thus the reason the disciples asked in Acts 1:6,  “Lord, will you at this time restore the kingdom to Israel?”

So as I celebrate the Feast Days of the Lord (Gods’prophetic calendar), they’re not just Jewish Feasts, these are His feasts (Lev. 23), observe the Sabbath (Exodus 20:8-11) because of Gods passion for it (Isa 56) and eat clean and unclean (Lev 11),  I do not believe I’m becoming a Jew.   Although I do know for a fact, we wouldn’t have these precious scriptures if it weren’t for the Jewish people sacrificing there blood to protect it.  Now I ask, have I misled anyone?  I don’t think so .   I’m just going back to the origin of the faith which will most likely look Jewish since Christianity is a sect of Judaism that has been cut off from it’s root.  The earlier followers were called “The Way”, still a part of Judaism.  Judaism has many sects or can I say “denominations”.  Sound familiar?  “The Way” was just one those sects; ones that believed Yeshua/Jesus was the Messiah.  Not all Jews were out to kill believers in Messiah, many believed.  The first believers were JEWS!!!

Rom_1:16  “For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek.”

The “Greek” represents the world because of the Greek philosophy that permeated the world at that time and continues till this day and has infiltrated Christianity through Roman thought, customs and traditions that have strong Greek roots and influence.

I believe I’m following His Word.  No, I do not believe Yeshua did away with the very Word that He embodies (John 1:1, Matt 5:17).  Although I do believe He perfected the High Priesthood in the order of Melchizedek.  Check it out in the book of Hebrews.  Read the whole book for context.

Now, since I, a former Gentile, believing on the Messiah, I have been made a new creation; the old man has been crucified in Him (Rom 6).  His blood has redeemed me and given me His nature and I’m constantly being transformed into His likeness.  Being regenerated from above through Yeshua, I have been brought into the family by adoption through His spirit as a son crying out Abba! Father! (Rom 8:15).  What family?  The family of the Israel of God.

I challenge each and every one of you to examine your lives.  Look at your habits, what you put before your eyes, speech, food choices and closely held traditions.  Examine closely to decide whether they are holy and acceptable before the Almighty.  Please search and study the scriptures yourself to find the answer.  Test every word spoken by every preacher, prophet, teacher, pastor, or apostle.  Also, test every spirit (1 John 4)  and your heart (Jeremiah 17:9-10) by the Word of God (Hebrew 4:12).

I guarantee as you perform a thorough and honest inspection of your life, you will find yourself lacking.  Yeah, I know about grace, but that doesn’t give us the license to be lazy, lackadaisical, assuming or willfully sinning (see Romans 6).  We should be ever vigilant to be holy  (1 Peter 1:15:16 reference from Leviticus 19:2, 11:45).  Interestingly, the Leviticus verses in parentheses, Leviticus 19  just happens to give instructions for how to treat others and Leviticus 11 refers to what’s acceptable to eat.  What does this have to do with holiness?  As of now, I will defer this topic to a future blog post.

In conclusion, I ask you again to read 1 Peter 4 and seriously hear his words and to also immediately take action to be holy as Peter passionately prompts us to do as believers and followers in the Messiah.  Know that your sufferings are a blessing (Matthew 5:10-12) not a curse and not always the result of sin or demonic supremacy in your life, but can be the will of God in order to bring us into maturity as the little Anointed ones.  First, called Christians at Antioch (Acts 11:26) as a mocking or derogatory term because they were so willing to suffer and give their lives as little messiahs (anointed ones) just as the Anointed One (Messiah) suffered and gave His life.  I believe we should return to this attitude of the earlier followers of the Way being willing to be held in derision for our lives as Christians.  No longer do I want to follow a cute little feel good doctrine or philosophy, but I think we should all truly become little messiahs in His likeness and tenacity for truth, justice, mercy, obedience and love; not loving our lives even unto death (Revelation 12:11)

1 Peter 4:

Since therefore Christ suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same way of thinking, for whoever has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin,
so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.
For the time that is past suffices for doing what the Gentiles want to do, living in sensuality, passions, drunkenness, orgies, drinking parties, and lawless idolatry.
With respect to this they are surprised when you do not join them in the same flood of debauchery, and they malign you; but they will give account to him who is ready to judge the living and the dead.
For this is why the gospel was preached even to those who are dead, that though judged in the flesh the way people are, they might live in the spirit the way God does.  The end of all things is at hand; therefore be self-controlled and sober-minded for the sake of your prayers.
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.  Show hospitality to one another without grumbling.  As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies–in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ. To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.
Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.  But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed.
If you are insulted for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests upon you.  But let none of you suffer as a murderer or a thief or an evildoer or as a meddler.  Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in that name.
For it is time for judgment to begin at the household of God; and if it begins with us, what will be the outcome for those who do not obey the gospel of God?  And “If the righteous is scarcely saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?”
Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good. (ESV)

Job_7:17  What is man, that thou shouldest magnify him? and that thou shouldest set thine heart upon him?

Psa_8:4  What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him?

And yes, I do understand about the blood of Yeshua yet I don’t want to take that for granted and pull the grace-card every time I come before Him.  I don’t think that’s appropriate or legitimate.  I have to take full responsibility for my actions understanding the battle I fight with this flesh.  Through my sufferings,  I really get a better sense of what Paul wrote about in Romans 7.  Doing what I don’t want to do knowing I should do what is right….Arggghhhh!

This calls to mind the account in Exodus 20:18-20  when the people of Israel were before Yahweh at Mt. Sinai.

18 And all the people saw the thunderings, and the lightnings, and the noise of the trumpet, and the mountain smoking: and when the people saw it, they removed, and stood afar off.
19  And they said unto Moses, Speak thou with us, and we will hear: but let not God speak with us, lest we die.
20  And Moses said unto the people, Fear not: for God is come to prove you, and that his fear may be before your faces, that ye sin not.

Did you get the last verse?  So in drawing near to God causes fear so that we don’t sin.  This is interesting.  I say this because sometimes I believe we stress grace and mercy so much that we forget that our God, Yahweh is a consuming fire (Deut. 4:24, Heb 12:29).  We are made righteous by the blood of Yeshua but that doesn’t mean we should expect an obligatory pass when we are clearly sinning against our God.  Having an awesome fear of Him is healthy.  Yet, even knowing this, there’s something within me that says, “No I don’t want to and I don’t have to. I can do what I want to do.  Leave me alone”.  Sometimes I feel like the children of Israel.   They would rather have an intermediary in Moses than be in the presence of Yah.  As Moses did (Exodus 32:9-14), Yeshua intercedes (Romans 8:34, Heb. 7:25) for us: however, we are still accountable for our actions.

Rom_14:12  So then each of us will give an account of himself to God.
Heb_4:13  And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Heb_10:30  For we know him that hath said, Vengeance belongeth unto me, I will recompense, saith the Lord. And again, The Lord shall judge his people.

1Pe_4:5  but they will give account to him who is ready to judge the living and the dead.

I’m not saying these things to have you without hope or to condemn you or me.   I’m saying them to bring a soberness to our relationship with Him.  He is the Almighty and we are not.  He is holy and we are to be holy as He is holy (Leviticus 11:45, 1 Peter 1:13-16)

I would rather have Him to judge me.  David understood this is 2 Samuel 24 when he took the census of Israel and Yahweh gave King David three options as to how the judgement for this sin would be dealt with.  David chose the option of Yahweh’s hand because David understood he could cry out and Yah would be more merciful than any judgement by the hand of a man (2 Sam. 24:14)

So I will always give account to Him submit myself to His judgement.  The blood of Yeshua also gives us the right (righteousness) to enter into the Holy of Holies.  It sanctifies, cleanses and gives us direct access to the throne of God, but it definitely does not give us the right to habitually sin and not expect it to be an offense against our God.  We must definitely have a heart of repentance and humility.  Let us, especially myself, each day by the Ruach HaKodesh (Holy Spirit) be strong in His spirit and crucify this flesh just as Yeshua did.  Believers be strong in the Spirit.

Mat_26:41  Watch and pray, that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.

We will give an account either by the blood of Yeshua or, God have mercy, without the blood for remission of sins.  If you do not believe in the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob through the Son, Yeshua, please do so now and receive by faith the remission of sins and eternal life in the Son.

I’ve uploaded this video that someone shared on Facebook. I think it closely shares my feelings about Christmas, Easter and Sabbath. Also know that no matter what I feel about Christmas, please don’t take it personally as an attack against you.

Much love and blessings.