At age 18, I left home entering the United States Air Force. I was so excited. For the first time in my life, I was on my own far away from home. Now I could do as I pleased, so I thought. Ignorantly, I believed I was capable of being fully accountable for any of my actions whether right or wrong. In much later years, I sadly learned otherwise.
While in the military, a relationship with a woman wasn’t something I sought after. It felt too emotionally annoying. At the time, I had no awareness of how my own emotional issues of the past caused me to avoid dealing with the emotional matters of others. Fear of intimacy negatively influenced my attitude towards relationships with women. In these four years of my life, I developed and strengthened a destructive pattern of behavior that ruined my ability to have healthy ties with the opposite sex or with anyone.
During this time, abuse of alcohol became my self-prescribed medication of choice. Alcohol gave me a sense of invulnerability and exaggerated boldness. Inhibitions were loosed and I felt free. I believed I could do or say anything I desired. Alcohol also implanted this notion within me that I could have any woman I desired. Each holiday party, night at the club or any event, I viewed as a chance for me to scout the territory looking for vulnerable prey. I had an uncanny ability to target the vulnerable woman. However, I didn’t always have to hunt. Many times it was offered to me like candy; and this candy, I rarely rejected. My spiritual gifts given to me by the Father were all perverted. I deceived many women by making them feel validated and loved; but secretly knowing my main goal was to get into their pants. The sexual encounter was the ultimate prize. Many times after getting the “prize”, my interest would decline thus ending the affair. Surprisingly, some women would agree to the “sex only relationship”, even allowing me to be with other women. Needless to say, these relationships didn’t last long.
Since most of the time, I didn’t practice “safe sex”, my encounters weren’t without there risks. A visit to the clinic and a antibiotic prescription was common. My friends and I sometimes shared our leftover antibiotics with each other. Although not recommended , we would sometimes take a dose of an antibiotic before a night out, just in case we got “lucky”. Idiots! It’s a miracle I’m here today.
Even with the perils of living this type of life, I was unwilling to change. I believed I was free to choose for myself. No one could tell me otherwise. Yet, deep inside, a small quiet voice always talked to me. The voice always asked “What are you doing and why are you doing it?” I never wanted to honestly answer that voice. The heavy drinking, partying and sex helped to smother that voice but never extinguish it.
Also during this period, I met my first wife, the mother of my three children. I will continue that story in my next post.
Just a reminder: I’m posting my story so others who have had similar experiences may know that the blood of the Savior redeems completely.
Thank you for reading and I pray you are blessed in ways I never imagined.
In Yeshua HaMashiach/Jesus the Christ